the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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