i jhust puked up my retainher.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
