my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
