we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
