yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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