I can't breathe out the right side of my face
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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