I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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