i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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