I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
