oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Send help, water and tortillas.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
