she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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