I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
