I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
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I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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