i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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