How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
