My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
