I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
