She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
