i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
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Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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