dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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