We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
