We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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