i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
