Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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