We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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