Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
