hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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