Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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