Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
don't judge my taste in strippers
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
