I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
