she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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