I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
