i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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