You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We talked him into tasing himself.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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