and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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