Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
