People in love make me want to vomit
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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