my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize