Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
