Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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