Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
