These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
