I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Sorry my hands just texted you
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
