He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
