Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
