Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
