I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When did angry sex become our thing?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
