I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
cat food counts as protein by the way
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
