twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
