He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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