mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
