her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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