those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.